So I haven’t been on here in a while. Looking at my phone and my feeds and such, killed me for the longest time. All of it is full of lovey dovey happy things that just bring me to the ground. I started this blog as a girl in love, and now i am still in love, but in love with someone who won’t be coming back.
I will tell you to start, my love life is pretty effed up. You may not understand it the first time you hear it, heck, i don’t even understand it! But it will teach you something (hopefully), give you a bit of personal information, and steer you away from wanting a movie made romantic fairytale. Stick to your hometown normal sweethearts, or else heartbroken lane you will be. Sorry to put it bluntly. Okay, now ill stop bumming you out about relationships and tell you mine.
I never really had a boyfriend up until eighth grade. I’m a nerd and everyone called me gigantor because i am extremely tall, so i was super surprised when guys started to see me as normal, and even pretty. It was like that movie where the girl likes the popular guy but her best guy friend likes her and then they date only i was the best friend and he liked the popular girl. We swam together (i am a competitive swimmer) so i knew him since he was little, and it was a picture perfect ending to the movie. Until it got weird and we broke up. They never do tell you the endings to those movies…
Anyways, shortly afterwards, (four months) i started going out with an old crush. I liked him back in the fourth grade and conversation sparked from that. I really liked him, he told me he really liked me, so we started getting intimate. He was my first kiss, i was his (really sad i know, first kiss in grade nine). Then he started getting very aggressive when we made out, pining me, touching me where i didn’t want to be touched, very clingy and demanding of where i was and to whom i spoke to. Funny thing is, i thought i was in love, so i never thought he would hurt me. One day he pinned me really hard to the ground so he could fondle my breasts a bit and touch me “down there”. He was stronger than i thought, considering i wasn’t that much smaller than him. I didn’t like it but i let him do it. I thought if i didn’t he would break up with me and id be a loser again. Two days afterwards, he broke up with me even after i let him do all that stuff. I realize now he had been manipulating me for my body because i was easy and inexperienced in dating. I bet i would’ve lost my virginity to him if we had continued in the relationship.
For the next few months all i had were my friends. I couldn’t stand the the thought of being used again so i put up a huge wall. I started taking one too many aspirin, swallowing it with a bit of alcohol. I was depressed that i was going to be alone and forever a slut. I thought i was dirty and disgusting for being sexually taken advantage of, like it was all my fault. My best friend really helps me through everything so i texted her one night i was really bad about myself. The message that came back wasn’t from her. It was from her family friend, who was a year older than us and he was making sexual jokes about me. I was’t very appreciative of this, in fact, i was kinda pissed but i still went along with it in my emotionally unstable state. The conversation went from being sexual into being normal and he became a really great friend to me. I begun to let my wall down, Laugh a little. I was happy. He would listen to anything that i needed to say and he would be there with the best ways to cheer me up.
I knew exactly when i started to develop feelings for him. It was right when i asked him what his ideal night would be and he said he would love to spend the night looking at the stars, with the girl of his dreams, and fall asleep underneath the stars. That was an answer that changed my whole perspective on him. That is what my ideal night would be only with the man of my dreams. My feelings grew even more when he began to open up to me and everything was very real and full of compassion. I was getting ready to meet him for the first time until he had to move, from Ontario all the way to California. Bummer eh? It was rough. He did not have a cell phone of his own and i didn’t have his phone number. We could’ve used Skype or FaceTime but i thought i was the only one who cared so i knew there was no point. He would find someone prettier, smarter, athletic, and someone close to home. I thought i was too ugly, too outcasted, too much of a slut to be the Californian quaterback’s long distance girlfriend. And considering we’d never met before, that just made my chances slip to a -40%. It was one wednesday, exactly a month before his birthday, i got a letter. Yes, a handwritten letter just like those romantic movies. He wrote me a letter to tell me how beautiful i was, how much he missed me, and how much he truly wants to be with me. It was the sweetest thing i have ever gotten. To know that he liked me back and had thought about me five months after he left Canada was perfect. it felt right. I felt like i was on cloud 9. I wrote one back. I made my best friend be my messenger. We were like Romeo and Juliet, sending letters through a messenger, a border in between us. It continued to go back and forth, as i progressively got better. I believe he was one of the reasons i stopped my depressive habits.
He was supposed to come visit in august, we were supposed to meet for the very first time. That was until his car accident. He was driving along the highway, distracted by an argument going on with his father in the car. He hit a transport truck head on. shrapnel embedded in his chest and his father was induced into a coma. They are both okay now, but the thought of them losing their lives scared me beyond belief. All i wanted was to fly down there and comfort his family and support them. I cried a lot during the whole experience of being far away in his time of need. All i wanted was to lie next to him on that hospital bed and pretend there is stars on the ceiling. Unfortunately, i couldnt.
This was when he first told me he loved me. He send a letter only telling me why he loved me, and that he wishes he could tell me now. The fact that he cared so much for me when he was hospitalized was overwhelming. I realized i was head over heels in love and all i wanted was to be with him. I was in love. My first love.
Of course, with love came complications. He wasn’t released from the hospital until october, so seeing each other would not have been possible. Especially with his Navy career beginning, he is busier than ever. He has no choice in the Navy. It was made for him. He deploys out tomorrow. He will be gone for five years…. Or more. Im broken and upset so all i can to is blog about it. Sorry for the sob story. Any advice to help me sleep tonight? Let me know what you think about past experience in love or if you have any questions. Ill be happy to answer. Lesson is if you are foolishly in love, and it were meant to be, things will always work out in the end. Lets just hope my end comes back and finishes like all the movies do.
I will miss you Baby. Be safe. I love you. Xoxo.